mariconadas

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Thu, 23 May 2013 20:30:16 -0400

me and my brother #family #ethan #brownmaketheworldgoround

Thu, 23 May 2013 19:51:10 -0400

me and my brother #family #ethan #brownmaketheworldgoround

I asked my grandma to teach me how to make pupusas today. We...

Thu, 23 May 2013 18:00:00 -0400

I asked my grandma to teach me how to make pupusas today. We went to the store, bought the masa, and started making ‘em.

During the cooking, she asked me what I’m doing this summer and I told her I was working in a Latin@ immigrant neighborhood (where I could buy masa) talking to employers of trans*latinas to document discrimination against them.

We then sat down and ate and talked shit on white capitalists who modify food, making our food unhealthy.

Yay for bonding with my grandma and learning how to make pupusas.

I’m all salvi now. Def gonna make some this summer for my homies!

Made pupusas with my grandma today :)

Thu, 23 May 2013 15:47:26 -0400

Made pupusas with my grandma today :)

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Wed, 22 May 2013 20:30:26 -0400

when did you study abroad in peru and why did you withdraw?

Wed, 22 May 2013 01:57:00 -0400

You’re the second person to ask so I guess I’ll answer now.

I studied abroad last semester (fall 2012). I left on my 20th birthday on August 24 and left two weeks later.

The short answer is that I didn’t feel safe in Peru. I originally thought I was going to be in Lima where I found a queer organization and thought I was gonna be hanging out with them. When I started the program, I found out I would have to be in Cusco till November then I could move to Lima to do research. (fyi - Lima is like a huge urban city and Cusco isn’t really urban—I guess rural? It was the capital of the Incan Empire in the Andes Mountains)

My first weekend in Cusco, a guy called me a maricon (faggot) on the street. The next day I was hyper-conscious of how queer I looked and was scared to be alone in public. The next day, a man grabbed me in a club and shook me while screaming at me to dance with a woman. I brushed it off, like when the guy called me a maricon, but when I started walking back home, I started tearing up and when I got to my room, I started bawling on my friend’s shoulder telling her I don’t wanna go through all this shit again.

Those events sound pretty insignificant, but they triggered a lot of hard emotions for me. Most of them from being one of the only out queer people in Perris and in my high school growing up and I was harassed and called gay/faggot/joto/maricon since I was in sixth grade. (I have a video here briefly talking about high school.) When I told my advisers there, they basically told me they didn’t know what to do ‘cause they never had a student as “expresivo” as me and that maybe I should try to “fit in” more. I was the only out queer person in my program and I started to feel really isolated. Isolation is really dangerous for me because it triggers my depression.

I mostly left because it reminded me too much of Perris. My host-mom reminded me of my grandma and that stressed me out ‘cause I never really came out to my grandma whom I live with in Perris. After those incidents, I felt a huge ball of sadness in my chest and it grew and grew till I couldn’t help but cry. I cried so much and I didn’t know why. I just knew I wouldn’t be able to last. I kept telling everyone that I’m not as strong as I was in high school and I just started feeling happy again and that I didn’t want to go through all this again ‘cause it hurt so much.

Combined with the fact that my ex boyfriend and I had just started dating a week before I left to Peru, I decided I would be much happier in NY and I didn’t want to risk damaging my psyche by repeating what I went through in high school.

There was probably a number of things that could have allowed me to stay—mostly a queer community or support—but the way my soul felt (all damaged and sad) I knew I couldn’t take it. I literally cannot and have never been able to pass as straight. People know I’m queer right when they see me. It would probably be much easier for a bunch of queer people to study abroad who either pass as straight or don’t have my experiences with homophobia, harassment, isolation, and depression.

Photo

Tue, 21 May 2013 21:30:38 -0400

Con la @jesickahhh

Tue, 21 May 2013 19:43:32 -0400

Con la @jesickahhh

!!!!! I’m offended :(((

Tue, 21 May 2013 13:56:25 -0400

!!!!! I’m offended :(((

Being a model on the floor of my mom’s living room

Mon, 20 May 2013 22:22:16 -0400

Being a model on the floor of my mom’s living room

visual-poetry: »capitalism kills love« by claire fontaine...

Mon, 20 May 2013 21:30:20 -0400

visual-poetry:

»capitalism kills love« by claire fontaine (+)

(via buridan)

Back from an amazing trip in Chicago. It was so nice seeing my...

Mon, 20 May 2013 12:07:52 -0400

Back from an amazing trip in Chicago. It was so nice seeing my ex/one of my closest friends since I hadn’t seen him since July.

Currently in my room from high school - yeah i was the kinda gay that liked Lady Gaga lmao

Gonna get breakfast with one of my high school best friends in a bit.

Being back home is always mad emotional. Gonna be back in NY in a week in my new room for the summer.

A lot of stuff going on, a lot of air flights, a lot of different friends and places that represent different sides and moments of me. I feel a lot of love though from all over these phases of my life and I’m so happy that I’ve been able to maintain them in spite of the geographical changes.

I’ll see you tonight, Perris!!!

Sun, 19 May 2013 18:12:13 -0400

I’ll see you tonight, Perris!!!

La virgencita

Sat, 18 May 2013 22:14:45 -0400

La virgencita

el corazón

Sat, 18 May 2013 22:05:58 -0400

el corazón

~Chicago

Fri, 17 May 2013 17:46:21 -0400

~Chicago

Whatever race I am

Fri, 17 May 2013 03:29:48 -0400

Whatever race I am

Hahaha idk what it is about the water in Chicago but the ppl on...

Fri, 17 May 2013 03:29:08 -0400

Hahaha idk what it is about the water in Chicago but the ppl on Grindr are outta control

proudcolors: The Proud Colors 2012-2013 zine is now available...

Fri, 17 May 2013 02:02:06 -0400

proudcolors:

The Proud Colors 2012-2013 zine is now available online.

To see zines from past years, click here.

Check out our art - we worked mad hard to create all this beauty!

I’m pretty sure the semester that just passed (or will be after this essay) will be my worse...

Thu, 16 May 2013 16:18:45 -0400

I’m pretty sure the semester that just passed (or will be after this essay) will be my worse one in terms of grades, but it’s been a semester of a lot of healing and growth.
I feel like I’m finally on the path to sustainable happiness and self-love and for that I am grateful.
It’s too bad my transcript will make it look otherwise but I’m sure at least one grad school will understand #thestruggle.